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I only broke down a little bit in going over the details. She offered me a glass of water. I happily took this proffered drink. She let me go on as I related the details which seemed so fresh after 43 years in hiding.She knew where I had been a year ago. She knew we had covered many topics. Some hard. Some silly. But never as dark as this.We both were able to conclude this was no dream. Not some sudden variation of the same.I was able to show actual fear at the vision I had seen. The poor, helpless girl, laying in the pit while they lowered me onto her. She looked different. At 10, I had no concept of the difference. I was terrorized that perhaps they were going to cut me off like they had done to her. I knew I didn't have a hole. She did. And it mortified me to my core.I believe that is why I was freaking out so much.We sat and talked for a good half hour before I calmed down enough to also mention my wife.I realized that the other major factor in my darkness is my inability to let. When she thought no one was watching. Drives me crazy! So when I had the chance I would watch her when I could. Years go by. And this was at the beginning of our relationship! We move to different houses over the years. And at every house. I made sure I had a way to watch her do her thing! So I would always buy a water pic shower massage. So I knew she would be spraying that clit in the tub! I also had to drill a little hole in the wall of the shower stall. This house here had a panel door in our bedroom. That had the plumbing to the shower in it. It was perfect for me to open up and I could look through the little hole that I drilled into the shower wall. That was directly right under the shower head! Perfect view into the tub! I did have to oil the henges on the door to the panel. So she wouldn't hear me open it up. We were not in that place a week and I drilled that hole. And I had to.
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